She was so excited, excited about a child whose hands would match ours, and she wondered aloud while she stroked and kissed my still-flat stomach about eye color, hair color, my mouth or her nose, my talent for music or hers for medicine.
While there were times I'd discuss it with her, the rest of it I felt strangely disconnected, from her, from my body, from the things happening within it.
I found myself contemplating sharp edges, wondering how far, how deep I'd have to cut, how long it would take to fall asleep, and I started experimenting - a slice here, another there, tortured, exquisite lines, designs even, on my forearms where no one could see.
It became my art, my release, proof that I was still alive, because I couldn't feel anything else except the tears and all I could hear whenever I etched another line was a voice from childhood: "You want a reason to cry? I'll give you a reason to cry."
Fuck that. I'd give it to myself.
getting very intense and I truly hate that saying at the end about crying. Why is it parents use that to torture their kids?
ReplyDeleteAll right, I have to ask. Is Beth actually Trace?
ReplyDeleteDo you by any chance mean Tracy ElizaBETH Cayden? ;-)
ReplyDeleteNo way! I remember Trace once saying she was in love, almost. I thought she was referring to Nina...could this be the person?
ReplyDeleteJust because Trace may or may not have been almost in love with Nina doesn't mean she lived in a box and didn't date or get involved with anyone else in the ensuing years. Just something to think about :-)
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