Con VII

It was Noah, Noah Jole, the saxophone player who noticed first.

Beth wanted to tell everyone, but I didn't and for the first time, as far as I could tell, she respected my wishes.

I also didn't want to see my parents or my older brother, didn't want to go out, didn't speak with any of our friends - I'd even stopped giving private lessons - something I'd been doing to earn my daily bread since I was sixteen, while the only reason I dragged myself to rehearsals was because I'd fought so hard to become a part of the jazz combo I now played with - and we were scheduled to go on tour in less than a month - not a large one, to be certain, but it was an important one: we would headline one of the stages at the Rhode Island Jazz fest, then go to Chicago for a BB King tribute.

I didn't understand it, my feelings, either. Beth was perfect, everything I'd always hoped, everything I knew she, no, we could be and more...we were a family...and my career had just taken a very positive turn.

Beth humored my moods and told me it was all a part of the process my body was undergoing and my gp - the one she'd picked - apparently agreed.

One late afternoon, after she'd dropped me off at the local concert stage we rehearsed at, Noah eyed me as he polished the brass of his instrument, the soft chamois rag a caress over the creature he loved to the exclusion of most of the world.

I sat on my stool and tuned my guitar, plucking at the nylon and silver strings, checking the intonation.

"When you due?" he asked me in a soft undertone.

I stared at him.

"C'mon, girl," he said, his voice teasing, rich, and low, "I've got three sisters, two daughters, and three grandbabies. You think I can't see you there, the baby marks all over you? And Beth," he said, and rolled his eyes, "isn't she just so proud? Fussin' over you like...she's..." he put his sax down on the stand and put a hand on my shoulder. "What's the matter, honey? Ain't you happy?"

And much to my horror, I realized the answer even as I tried not to shake my head.

No. I wasn't - not at all.

Con (Part VI)

She was so excited, excited about a child whose hands would match ours, and she wondered aloud while she stroked and kissed my still-flat stomach about eye color, hair color, my mouth or her nose, my talent for music or hers for medicine.

While there were times I'd discuss it with her, the rest of it I felt strangely disconnected, from her, from my body, from the things happening within it.

I found myself contemplating sharp edges, wondering how far, how deep I'd have to cut, how long it would take to fall asleep, and I started experimenting - a slice here, another there, tortured, exquisite lines, designs even, on my forearms where no one could see.

It became my art, my release, proof that I was still alive, because I couldn't feel anything else except the tears and all I could hear whenever I etched another line was a voice from childhood: "You want a reason to cry? I'll give you a reason to cry."

Fuck that. I'd give it to myself.

Get Engaged!

ALC Publishing, the only pubisher of lesbian-themed Japanese comics (called "Yuri Manga") recently launched our newest comc anthology, Yuri Monogatari 6, with 12 stories of lesbian life and live by artists and writers all over the world. 
We know there are a lot of you who would like a copy of the book but, for one reason or another, cannot get it. Maybe you're in school and can't afford it, or maybe you live somewhere where shipping from Amazon makes it outrageously expensive. 
So, we've developed this new Project special for you! 
Here's how it works: 
"Project Engage" is very simple. Use any and all social media you *already use* to promote YM6 and EARN a copy of YM6 for your efforts! 
- Mention Yuri Monogatari 6 in a relevant Forum, Mailing List, Blog post, Twitter about it, or talk about it on your Facebook, MySpace, LiveJournal page, or any other form of social media *that you already use* with a link to either the ALC Page on the Yuricon Shop or Amazon and get *5* points. 
- Embed the Yuri Monogatari 6 video trailer (see below) on the any of the social media *you already use,* and get *10* points. 
- When you have earned *50* points, email us links to these posts, your age and your address at anilesbocon01 at hotmail dot com with the subject line "Project Engage Links" and we'll send you a copy of "YM6!" 
It's that simple. 
Here's the IMPORTANT GUIDELINES YOU MUST FOLLOW TO BE ELIGIBLE FOR A BOOK: 
1) You MUST be 18 or over. There is no exception to this rule. Include your age in your email the first time. Don't make us chase after you for it. 
2) You may not create dummy accounts/blogs or pages for this. If we check and you have no other posts on your blog, or no other posts on the Forum in question, your entry will not count AND you'll make us look bad, like we're spamming the world. So - please only use accounts on places that you already use regularly. 
3) This project is meant to support and promote ALC and YM6. A link followed by a damnation of everything we are doing will not make you any friends. If you want to help us out, we're delighted. If you want us to die a fiery death, don't feel obliged to "help." :-) Lying and cheating to get a book is also not the point. This is to reward folks who *want* to do something concrete to help support us. 
4) All links *must* be verifiable. We're willing to sign up for forums, or friend you, but if you stick them in a private area that no one but you can see, then that's kind of not the point. -_-;; Also, the point is to spread the word, so four links in one page still only count once. 
5) Yes, previous posts, links and embeds count. If you already mentioned YM6 somewhere before today, that is absolutely, positively acceptable. Just collect *50* points worth and you've earned yourself a copy of YM6! 
6) If you are not 18+, please feel free to share links and embeds, but at this time we cannot send you a book. However, your support is still very much appreciated and I want to thank you, so email those links and I'll send you an "I Love Yuri" postcard to show our thanks!
***
Here are the links to share: 
YM6 Video Trailer Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yli_kPSVkFs 
YM6 Video Trailer Embed (use this code -or- if the video loads, click on the arrow icon on the bottom of the video next to the volume control and cut and paste the "embed" code to your blog/page:) 
Yuri Monogatari 6 on Amazon: http://...com/bgnvut
Yuri Monogatari 6 on Yuricon Shop: http://...com/alcpub
***
Project Engage is open to anyone 18 or over. Feel free to get your friends involved. A few of you banding together *can* get a book to share - the point is to get the word out! :-) 
If you have questions, please email anilesbocon01@hotmail.com. Thanks and here's to the success of Project Engage!