Con (Part V)

There were things that changed immediately: how we ate, what we ate; Beth was meticulous and watchful of every single thing that went into my mouth even before the confirming blood-test ten days later.

She paced by the phone after that appointment, had been ready to drive back down to the lab to get the results herself when the phone rang and the voice at the other end told us what she already knew.

There were no more "lost weekends." With the exception of work for either one of us, I have to honestly say she devoted herself to me - and I felt horribly ill about ninety percent of the time and it wasn't simply the nausea and its accompanying joys- it was the horrible headaches as well.

For the first time during the entire time we'd been together, it was finally, finally, just us, just the two of us: no drinking, no strangers, none of the usual things that she always said needed, no crying jags or suicide attempts...

Beth was happy for once, really and truly happy, and things were almost like being eighteen again, vitamins and food - anything she could think of that would tempt me to eat.

She was loving, tender, she relished the changes in my body and was so very, very beautifully gentle when we loved...

But as wonderful as it was, I cried...almost every time.

Con (Part IV)

It was a mistake to think that heaven was anything other than a figment of someone's imagination. I'd gotten used to what I referred to as "lost weekends" with Beth - days where we were both free - she from work, and I from rehearsals and gigs - she cooked, we drank, we went out and came back and made mad, mad love to each other, with another, however, whatever. There were days I didn't remember and didn't worry about, because as crazy as things could get, I was safe: I was with Beth. Two, maybe three hazy days had gone by, and I finally got clear enough to know where I was: in one of our many favorite positions, with Beth between my legs as I lay on top of her, bodies pressed hard and moving fast, her hands firm on my ass and urging me on as we moved close, so close to that lightning edge that I didn't think anything of the hands that closed around my hips, the shift of the bed, and the heat of another impending upon me, but the hands felt wrong somehow, and the blunt edge that eased between us, the body that overlay mine was wrong, too. She tore her mouth away from mine. "Don't hurt her, Louis," she warned as he entered me. Stunned. I was stunned, that she'd pushed this, that she'd allowed it, and the weight of his body pinned me firmly between them even as I tried to move away. "It's okay, JayJay, it's okay...shh," she soothed and cupped my face between her hands. "Look at me, baby." I did, stared in stupefaction into those ice eyes, even as tears stung mine because despite her warning, he hurt, her brother hurt as he moved in me and my heart ached because this felt so very, very, wrong. "Relax, honey, it's just Louis, a part of me, just like you're a part of me, just like our baby's gonna be." I bit my lip against the tears that fell anyway.  "Oh baby, don't cry," she asked and drew my mouth to hers, delivered tender kisses.  "Okay, honey? Okay? We're gonna make that baby together, in our bed, sweetheart, that's all we're doing. Do you love me?" she asked, her eyes searching mine. I closed mine a moment anyway because despite the numbness that had grown in my body, my chest still ached, and I had to reach through the pain because I loved her, loved her with everything I was. Finally, I nodded, unable to speak against the shock and the pain, lip still tight between my teeth. "I love you, too, baby," she said and pulled my head down to her shoulder and held it there as I trembled against her. "Just feel me, baby," she whispered and shifted beneath me, "I'm right here with you. Louis - ease up a little - you're hurting her," she told him and he did, lightened his body off mine. I hazed again as he came, shuddering within me, and I neither noticed nor cared when he left because as soon as I was free of him Beth rolled me onto my back, held me, kissed my tears, wrapped herself around me and whispered words of love until I fell asleep. I ran a fever for two days, four days later, I bled, and on the sixth I threw up at the smell of milk. Beth was thrilled.